Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
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Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.