Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
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Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Me as a therapist: omg same
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY