Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
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It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip