met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
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[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
When you kidnap a writer.
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Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
So we got a goldfish…
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once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
There’s only one good girl here!
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky