met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
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When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
No regrets in 2018
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.