Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
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Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I hope this email finds you in a well
My flabber has been gasted.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom