A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
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This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
*ernest hemingway voice*
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups