No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
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Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”