Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
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When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
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You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
They did not miss in the small print
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?