Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
You Might Also Like
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me