“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Generation gap…
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.