The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
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Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Best spoiler warning ever
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♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.