How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
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Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Investing in beetcoin
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do