I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
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Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.