I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
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“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!