things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
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Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.