Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
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Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart
*professor x starts laughing from the other room*