@birbigs

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

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@EZ_G

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

@NikiWithIssues

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

@AndyAsAdjective

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

@MumInBits

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

@lovemydogduck

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

@noog

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

@noog

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*