Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.