It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
You Might Also Like
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.