*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
You Might Also Like
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
buying dead houseplants to save time
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.