Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
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I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.