Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
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[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine