*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.