Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.