FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
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Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
step 6: release the wall snake
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
This is me
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?