After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
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Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
me and the Superbowl rn
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here