Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
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i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
What?!?
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Okey dokey.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”