Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
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Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.