If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
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Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.