[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
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The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat