[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

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I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.


Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too


Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.


Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about


To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice


WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea



DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.


In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.


My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.


I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.