@sami_stacks I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
@markydoodoo [at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
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@sami_stacks 
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
@IamEveryDayPpl Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
@Prof_Hinkley Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
@pixelatedboat To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
@BuckyIsotope WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
@flashember [DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
@internetluke In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
@ericsshadow My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
@KentWGraham I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.