Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
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*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
How funny!
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”