u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
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Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.