Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
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We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.