If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
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Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Jupiter
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*