Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
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WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now