A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz