A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.