BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
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No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
waiting for halloween be like:
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.