Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
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DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Jail
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs