The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.