[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
You Might Also Like
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even