Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
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My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I think that’s enough internet for one day…