Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
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Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Expect the unexporcupine.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts