That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
You Might Also Like
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!