I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
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Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.