I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
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People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My dress code is business-casualty.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume