*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
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After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.