*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.