I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
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surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
real
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.