May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
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When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
How high do the levels go?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.