Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”