What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
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*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Breaking news:
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.