one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I can’t wait!
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”