When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
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Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Wednesday
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
@funTweeters I am at your service….