Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
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Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.